When I was a little girl growing up in a house of unspeakable wonders and unnameable horrors, I called Jesus a lot. I mean a lot. I was going to parochial school because my mama had married an Italian small band leader, so we became Catholic early on. Mass was still in Latin in those days. And very theatrical. While the ‘Father’ droned on hypnotically unintelligible prayer, I gave way to daydreaming, as I did in those days. Fierce daydreaming.
Visions by church light
To set the scene, a Catholic school in Florida, The Visitation. Me, scrawny and about nine, on my knees in prayer in the incense flooded church. Bells ringing, incantations hallowed and somber intoning from the pulpit, thunderous harpsichord chords & celestial singing echoing off the high domed ceiling. The choir-like rows of angels, heads turned up high, impossible notes soaring, the priest in white and purple. ‘God rays’ flooding the dark church through beautiful stained glass windows anointing the congregation with kaleidoscopic colors. The candles on fire, me, confirmed in the name of Joan of Arc, my patron saint, on my knees calling to Christ with all my might. Imagining that I would suddenly burst out in pearls of ruby blood like Jesus in the Garden Of Gethsemane. Father, take this cup.
Once my imagination had saturated me in tears of blood, Pegasus would come and lift me out and on his back and we would fly through the air to the amazement of the cruel nuns who smacked my hands with rulers when I asked impertinent questions. To the awe the priest who had recoiled when he admired the St. Christopher pendant, my father had gifted me, only to turn it over to see the Star of David on the back.
Rescued by Pegasus
Away away away I would go, everyone getting tinier and tinier, on the back of my noble steed, the red drops gently raining down the last of me that would ever be seen.
Then I spent many years being angry at Jesus for not really coming and taking me away. I hated the shallowness of Churchianity and felt the prison of Catholicism that had trained me to think of my soul as a stained milk bottle was best left behind with the entirety of my childhood.
My desire to re-member who I was beyond this mortal coil compelled me forward and I studied and applied Nichiren Shoshu Buddhism when I was 12, sincerely chanting Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo to candlelight in my room in the deep of the night, taught to me by my boyfriend Scott who thought I looked like the model Jean Shrimpton. I was long and beanpole skinny with almost waist length hair and buck teeth. Scott had a good imagination.
The guides appear in unexpected ways
Still seeking, seeking everywhere, Paramahansa Yogananda showed up in his book Autobiography of a Yogi when I was 14 and changed my life. Please read this still mind-blowing book. His practice of Kriya airplane method to God’ is one of my most devoted protocols for sanity and God consciousness.
And then the world started to open up and my generation came out against the war and began to look to ancient lore and mysticism to make sense of it all. As I studied the old ways and the new ways, the Tao of Physics and the Crack In The Cosmic Egg, the Tibetan Book of the Dead and the Gnostic Gospels and everything in between, I realized so much of what I had learned in Catechism said the very same thing. It had just become shallow words devoid and divorced from meaning. But now it made sense. So much of life is about semantics!
We’re often saying the same thing in different ways. I have found there is more shared Truth than meets the eye in all world religions, systems of awareness and spirituality and even quantum physics. Metaphysics and physics share common ground. As above, so below.
Sex and Mex!
In Mexico at 15 attending The Instituto de Allende in San Miguel a different rite of passage. I lost my virginity to Luis a singer twice my age who had courted me like a medieval prince. I thought he was the most romantic thing I had ever encountered, a singer and poet who hung out with Raphael, a stormy painter of Incan heritage. Drinking rich black coffee at dawn with the quiet land all around us listening to their tales of Mexico I was in a new world. Luis would arrive with roses in hand asking. He would speak of the infinite beauty of making
Luis would arrive with roses in hand asking. He would speak of the infinite beauty of making loove –the word lengthening out into endless connotations. All of this had me wide-eyed and enraptured. When the night following the day it finally happened I found him with his girlfriend, (unbeknownst to me) glamorous and his age, and named Mariah like the wind, I was only a little put out. I went to life painting glass sure that everyone would take one look at me and know this momentous thing had occurred. I certainly looked different to myself in the mirror. The deed now done, it had been an act of courage as much as romance and I felt unburdened.
A different perspective
The wild spirituality and unsentimentally of Mexico had my consciousness somersaulting. The culture was so different, emotion so creatively expressed, the people very alive. Tradition was deep but there was a sparkling freedom as well. When a good friend died I grieved deeply while my friends danced in celebration in the streets. Had we been trained to mourn death? What was me and what was learned? Let the dead bury the dead.
Then In Heidelberg at 17 with Diane van Gelder studying German and playing chess with the old men who had a bell they’d ring if your move took more than a minute I learned Transcendental Meditation. I was taught by Herta Claus, I recall her to this day. I immediately went into a deep samadhi state. She asked me to help her teach and without a thought, I skipped merrily away to the next adventure.
And then there was the shamanic initiation of the little green god and mushrooms and Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds that came in beautifully printed cards with a little space for the tab and LET THE LIGHT SHINE IN written underneath created by Bear himself, the chemist for the Grateful Dead who I danced with while the world turned into coloured rain.
We were indeed Tuning in, Turning on and Dropping out, unaware that many of the architects of the New Age were, in fact, CIA operatives happy to find a way to disempower the most proactively politicised generation yet born on Earth, (at least in recorded history). I have left all that behind for some time now. The deeper I go into the gifts of expanding consciousness the more I want to protect my mind.
Those ‘helpers’ seem like sledgehammers now. I feel everyone would get off drugs and alcohol if systems of expanded awareness were available from an early age. The system I have been teaching for some time now could be easily taught in schools and prisons and many wonderful programs are being initiated already. There is a mass awakening going on!
The quest for knowledge becomes the quest for Living Truth
The years took me to and through many other cultures and traditions and initiations internally and externally with spirit guides and people of spirit I met on my travels. Finally, I felt, for me, that which could not be apprehended as Living and in the Now was dead to me, a part of the Matrix and the shadow bars of the prison of illusion. Maya. I wanted direct experience. Be careful what you wish for.
And then came the call again in the 90s. Experiences of direct encounter began when I asked a question to the air and got a direct response. ‘What makes you think you shall not burn as bright.’
My question had been, ‘When will I be able to serve as this person has served?’ I had just finished a book by Patricia Cota Robles. I asked the Voice for two favors, for community and to be seen. Community knocked on my door an hour later. Christina Hagman, a Swedish woman and elegant soul I had met at a Matthew Manning course who was clairvoyant and had loved me and ‘seen’ me right away, entered. We would come to understand the blessing of our divine sisterhood as we began that day our journey of discovery that would last two intense years, first together every day, and then separately when Christina returned to Sweden.
An odyssey begins
I was guided all over the world and often requested to make strange acts, such as put my hands on a stranger, or the shoulders of a drunken grieving man and allowing healing from the Divine to flow through, easing pain and sobering instantly. This gift belongs to all of us if we are aligned with Source. The voice of Christ guided me to begin writing journals.
Many other voices and visitors came in an intense heavenly tutorship over the next two years. I kept 50 journals over that time and then I was guided to make a book of the journals. That book found its way to many places and this blog is my quest to break down the teachings, applied now to myself and others for over 22 years so that they can be truly useful for others.
Atomic vs electronic
An atom is 10,000 times smaller than a wave of light and though the activity of the Electron has been recorded it has never been seen. Yet we agree it is the building block of manifest form. Those who reside in the electronic form of the I AM have shed their atomic bodies. Their Essence is eternal and they are here and Now. So much more enlivening to directly be taught than unravel old stories although I realize those have their place in the scheme of things and hold many keys and codes.
To see or hear beyond the veil is normal and practical. What seems invisible is just vibrating more quickly. Think of how a fan almost disappears as it swirls around faster and faster. Perhaps the boundarylessness created by the severity of some of my life experiences pushed open wide the doors of perception– often sealed by a society shut down and in thrall to fear of the unknown. If so, it was worth it.
The guides are here for us all and love us beyond reckoning
There is much wisdom and Love to be had amongst these great beings who have stayed to guide us when they could have moved on. The first step is listening carefully!
We can be conduits for Love that makes our load lighter and brighter and the load of others.
Hold those you love tightly and lightly, including yourself. Pray for those you don’t love. Forgive everything and everyone, especially yourself. Kindness is the greatest wisdom and in that is contained the whole of the law.